Whatever that means.
How do you start a blog post about how you don’t know what the h*** is going on in your life when you pride yourself on being ~probably~ one of the most organized and well-planned people you know? If you’re me, you don’t. You sit around and wait — not until your life is perfect or anything — but just until you have some kind of answer.
I have, for lack of a better way to phrase this, a writing formula for most all of my blog posts. While my blogs tend to be written in the way that I speak or interact with others, they also tend to follow a sort of criteria. Why? I don’t know. I just write like this. The more I consider it, the more I think that it might have something to do with the nature of writing blog posts in general. I feel like most people end up on a blog to find out how to make a recipe or where the best thrift stores are in their city. I’ve even gone to blogs to read about how to overcome certain anxieties I have, ex: Owning It: Photo Addition. Blogs, at least in my own mind, have always been a place for answers and help. Even My Favorite Harry Potter Book was written to aid people who wanted to get into the series or to discuss why a certain book is the best to help people in a debate about what Harry Potter book is the best. (Listen these debates happen. Don’t judge!)
I didn’t understand how I’d write anything on my blog if I needed help myself? What can I offer someone else if I’m dead lost in my own life? And also, why am I so lost in my own life?
I don’t know what it is about the human psyche — and truly the urge to research that isn’t exactly at the top of my list right now — but when big shifts and changes happen in my life, I become completely unraveled.
I spent the entirety of the end of 2018 talking about how I was graduating and how I couldn’t believe I was graduating and all of this stuff. I was so excited, I couldn’t stop talking about it. I didn’t want to stop talking about it! Why would I!? I’d done something so big and I wanted to bask in that glory for just a little while.
Then I graduated.
… and that’s literally it. I graduated and then nothing happened.
Well, I guess that’s not entirely true. I gave myself a break and let Christmas happen then I applied to a ton of places and then New Years happened and I applied to more places and had a few interviews and then it was the middle of January and… nothing was happening. Except, now I’m insanely poor and completely lost and totally unsure of what I want to do with my life. Oh, and I work on my Instagram constantly.
Don’t get me wrong! I have a passion for social media and writing and being the best at literally anything I can be the best at. I want to succeed in a company that I care about. I want to go through life feeling like I’m doing something that matters, even if it only matters to me. The ambition isn’t gone — but it was for a second. Especially when I started feeling down and confused and torn between old and new dreams. I lost every urge to go out and do anything because I had no idea what I should be doing.
I even applied and got a second interview for a job that I *thought* I really wanted. When push came to shove, the position just wasn’t what I thought it would be and the company didn’t have the camaraderie or culture that I want the company I work for to have. The feelings I had when I went into that first interview had changed completely when I came out, but I needed a job and I thought that maybe I was just feeling… weird. I ended up not taking the second interview because something deep down in my belly was saying, no.
When your’e already so confused about what’s going on and you feel like you’re stuck in this limbo just existing and then you have this *gut* feeling that a job that would have given you a salary and benefits just isn’t right for you, it takes a lot to say no. I know, maybe, one day I’ll feel like I did the right thing, but even now it feels sort of dumb or silly to say no to a decent opportunity.
I don’t have any answers, and for everyone who has been dealing with something similar since graduating and leaving the realm of safety that school has always awarded so many of us, I don’t know when it’ll get better. I can’t even tell you if that job you want, that you’re begging the cosmos you’ll get (I feel you), will fix this weird limbo/existing feeling so many of us are experiencing. I do know that eventually it’ll get better because I am a true believer that everything gets better, especially if you’re willing to go with your gut, recognize good opportunities, and work hard. That’s what got all of us to post-grad life, and that’s what will keep all of us going moving forward.
Right now I’m waiting on a phone call from a company that I know I really want to work for, so I would appreciate your thoughts/prayers/good vibes/cosmic energy/or whatever it is you believe in, while I wait and manifest and hope for the best. If you’re waiting on something similar or feel the same way I have been feeling lately, comment below and let me know so I can send you all the cosmic energy and good vibes and thoughts and whatever else I can muster up too!
Part of my formula for writing is keeping the end of a post upbeat and warm regardless of the topic. This post is no different because I truly believe that it’s important to keep it as positive and happy as possible in the face of whatever is keeping you down. Today we’re doing something different, something I’ve never done in my comments before but it is something I think is really fun and refreshing.
IF you feel so inclined, along with your comments about your hopeful future career, post a positive remark about yourself. Just say (1) good thing about yourself today! It might sound silly or a little over the top, but it’s been helping me keep my head above water when I feel like I’m drowning. Maybe it’ll help you!
I am really good cat mom to my little kitty Luna!
Keep it simple or make it longer, either way please tell yourself something positive. It might help!
As always, thanks for reading!
“The unseen enemy is always the most fearsome.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Clash of Kings